June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS