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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I needed a laugh this morning.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too