I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Erm…
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell