The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
mentally somewhere in italy
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Happy thanksgiving!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
😜
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!