“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
goldfish mafia
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Breaking news:
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me