the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
not to brag, but mine was free
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.