The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Twitter fine art
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
*praying for world peace*
God: