*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
no regrets
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.