If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’