[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
You Might Also Like
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Oh deer
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think