[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“TGIM!” – My liver
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.