Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I didn’t realize that was an option