Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.