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AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
There is wisdom there.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE