Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I feel this so hard
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward