Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”