Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: