every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.