My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.