An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Duolingo getting serious.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.