I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.