So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact