instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Tough love is true love
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.