I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁