Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Cat.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.