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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess