Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
You Might Also Like
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.