Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere