Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
You Might Also Like
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
i spent way too long on this
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I saw nothing
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
how was your vacation
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time