All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town