I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
im 7 sauces long
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“just sayin” who asked you though?