The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
inside you are two wolves
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS