I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything