Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
#SuperBowl
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.