Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Sunday
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click