I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
mood
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.