Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me