You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.