In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Kermit goes Blue.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”