I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.