when you don’t want to be too vague
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up