Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours