I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Called it
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Venn
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Good morning, Twitter x
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.