24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs