I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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When I said I liked it rough.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye