She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.