Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong