I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Wake me when AI does housework
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.