At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
i wish we could shoplift online