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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
United Steaks of America
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
never compromise your values
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.